by Joy
I always thought something magical happens when a woman becomes a mother. That she automatically became a safe house of unconditional love and support for her child. But even as a child, I had a sneaking suspicion that this wasn't the case for me.
That sneaking suspicion was confirmed when I was 13 and my mother told me that I ruined her life by being born.
Growing up with a mother that didn't want to be one meant two things: one, the sacrifice she made was to be repaid by endless physical and emotional labour and two, the life she didn't get to live was to be reimbursed by my future.
This toxic relationship (among others in my household), led to my first run away attempt at the rip age of 6 years old. I would try many times over the course of my life but I didn’t fully succeed until 2020 when I fled for Canada. I wouldn’t speak to her for the next two years.
Before I left, I took a golden leaf necklace that I found in my mom's jewelry box. I remember taking it to symbolize my favourite poem “Nothing Gold Can Stay”, by Robert Frost. It was my favourite because it symbolized all the things wrong in my life: as my parents chased status, wealth and the lifestyle others would envy, they were sacrificing peace, love and family. They were sacrificing what was actually important for things that wouldn’t last.
Looking back, I see the significance of that action because it symbolized the first time I would finally taking what was rightfully mine - my life, my peace.
Two years later, my mother “forgave” me for leaving and wanted to reconnect. To avoid any responsibility, she claimed she didn't remember anything. She is a confused elderly woman who's hurt by the fact that I refuse to be her daughter at a time when she would reap the benefits of grown children. She feels she is entitled to the love and peace she never gave me and she's angry that I left to love and be loved my own.
Now, while I re-parent myself and as I navigate the tricky waters of forgiveness and childhood trauma, I find myself holding onto my necklace tightly. Every day, I still fight for the peace and love I never had so that it doesn't slip through my fingers. Now more than ever, I know what's important to me and I will never sacrifice that for a façade because nothing gold can stay.
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Inspired by Joy's courage and the beauty of her necklace, we created our very own leaf necklace as a reminder to cherish what is important in life. Check out our Nothing Gold Can Stay Necklace that was created in honour of her.