Growing up, Christmas, New Years and holidays in general, were the most dreaded time of the year for me. Ironically, in the process of faking the perfect family moments, there was always the guarantee of pain and abuse if something went slightly wrong which caused me immense stress.
I had hoped that when I grew up and left the abuse behind, I’d be able to return home for the holidays. I had hoped to have traditional get togethers that I’d actually look forward to and create memories I might even cherish. But this was not the case.
I made the effort because I craved it and my family tried, but it always ended in disaster.
I officially gave up when my sister left the house in handcuffs and I left in an ambulance. My mother begged me not to send her to a jail cell that night because she had an exam the next day and well, the holidays are all about family right? I gave into her wishes but have not been back since this happened over 3 years ago. Since then, I would see people around me “going home for the holidays” and have since recognized that is something I can only dream of.
Given that history, it's not hard to see that the holidays are not the most wonderful time of year for me.
The emphasis on families tends to makes those of us that don’t have one feel more alone than ever. I miss belonging, I miss connection, I miss having a home.
But I have learned through therapy that it is time for me to accept where I am. Dreams that had forever been unfulfilled for the holidays (and in life) are now up to me to make happen. I am not going to sit around and hope for a better year because I have the power to make the year better for myself. Almost three decades of learning has finally taught me that even if no one else can be there, I know I can be there for me.
The only thing that has remained unchanged throughout these years of trials and tribulations has been my place here at Kind Karma.
If there is one place I truly belong, I know it is here and I can call it home, I don’t know anyone else who can say that about the place they work. So while the holidays have never been easy or even enjoyable for me, I’ve taken control of my perspective and perception of this time of year and come to accept that while I may not have a “home” this holiday, I can find the feeling of home and belonging in the places where I am happy and at peace, and that’s good enough for now. I’ve made it this far and I will go farther.